To Beard or not to Beard

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by series11, Apr 10, 2012.

  1. series11

    series11 Hail Commifornia Lifetime Supporting Member


    Pentagon Study Finds Beards Directly Related To Combat Effectiveness

    [​IMG]Tampa, FL – Forget new gear, weapons, or sophisticated targeting systems. The newest tool coming to combat troops is low-tech: beards. In a report released yesterday, research think-tank Xegis Solutions noted that beards have a direct correlation to combat effectiveness.
    Jonathon Burns was the lead researcher in the study.
    “We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.”
    He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, **** went wrong most of the time.”
    CENTCOM wasted no time establishing a new rule forcing males to grow beards.
    Commander Gen. James E. Mattis issued a statement to all troops in combat zones.
    “The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. All this time it was speculated that Green Berets were better because of their superior and intensive training while in fact, most of it had to do with beards.”
    There’s no doubt that many in the Special Forces community will be angered, but General Mattis is convinced.
    “It’s settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well.”
  2. Happysniper1

    Happysniper1 New Member

    lol! :D


  3. hhahahahahahahahahahaaaa... That means I can beat some tailpipe if I have a fu-manchu right?

    I concur with the pentagons findings.
  4. KeenansGarage

    KeenansGarage Hiding in plain sight....

    That is hilarious! :D What happens to people like me that grow their beards 'Joe Dirt style'...patchy and pretty much non-existent?
  5. Happysniper1

    Happysniper1 New Member


    Then I guess your shield of protection will project irregularly as the growth? Maybe? :p
  6. iamthedood

    iamthedood The dude: "This aggression will not stand, man."

    I've always known that beards are the ish ... and it's a life saver too ---> that's full of "win"
  7. series11

    series11 Hail Commifornia Lifetime Supporting Member

    What is funny is that I started growing one (which the wife hates) and then for job interviews I shaved it off last night.... Now I want it back!!!!
  8. EvilD

    EvilD New Member

    I grow a beard every winter in an attempt to be "epic beard guy" but it never comes to fruition and gets shaved off around Christmas every year.
  9. jonm61

    jonm61 New Member

    You posted this just in time! I was going to shave mine off for the upcoming hot weather! Now I'll have to grow it out into the equivalent of a NIJ Level III plate.
  10. SHOOTER13

    SHOOTER13 RETIRED MODERATOR Sponsor Lifetime Supporting Member

    My wife says my beard hides my best features...

    What do you guys think...?!

  11. iGlock

    iGlock Lead Farmer

    Lmao! It suites you
  12. havasu

    havasu Well-Known Member Supporter

    I believe after the summer, we here are going to have a beard growing competition. Maybe we could throw in a free premium membership? What do you all think?
  13. cutlass327

    cutlass327 New Member

    Not a bad idea, but unfortunately I'd never have a chance - mine is sparse like the hair on top of my head!
  14. Happysniper1

    Happysniper1 New Member

    Too bad for me, I prefer the clean-shaven look.

    I guess my HP is waaaaay down, and no more Mana! :(
  15. series11

    series11 Hail Commifornia Lifetime Supporting Member

    It was too late for me but if I can save one person from going beardless then I have done my job!!!!:D:D:D
  16. series11

    series11 Hail Commifornia Lifetime Supporting Member

    I just found this so it could be, but it is funny in any case. There is an entire following of Chris Costa's beard, especially on Facebook.
  17. c1328chase

    c1328chase Member

    I'm always bearded. Must be why I'm do good at Call of Duty! *Sarcam*

    I actually don't play call of duty...anymore.
    I play battlefield. Hahahaha

    I actually had a Mohawk with a sweet beard like Soap from modern warfare or Johnny Messner in "Tears of the sun". Then a coworker told me I looked like a gay mercenary!